On a gray day

The weather was melancholy. No sun could be seen. Gray clouds sulked in the sky. They seemed to be swollen with tears, but the stitches at their seams were probably stronger than the pressure welled up inside. It didn’t look like it would rain.

There was no one around. When the weather turns gloomy, people try to escape its dirge by withdrawing into the recesses of their homes. Life sustains its vitality by soaking in the sunshine. The Gray is feared and avoided.

So I was alone, an empty sitting area in the fields.

I didn’t rustle a leaf and the air didn’t stir. In silence, we shared the ache of the clouds.

A black figure appeared in the distance. Someone had just entered the grounds. She was walking towards me.

When she was near enough, I recognized her. She was coming after years!

The air welcomed her with a gentle sweep. My leaves rustled in rhythm. She looked up and smiled. I hadn’t really changed with the years.

She climbed up the green benches, and sat on the third bench from the top, facing the topmost bench, the way she would always sit. She looked around. The smile spread. There were some treasures that would always be hers, like her memories, like me. She looked up to soak in the leaves and the branches overhead. She had always felt in them a divine caress. She felt the same today. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, as if taking in all my years that had passed without her, and softly breezed out all the years that she had stayed away from me. The gulf of years was dissolved in a single moment. She was back in her past.

They had been a group of six friends. They called themselves ‘The Aksa’. And me they had named as ‘The Aksa Zone.’ I was a part of their legend. Like an indulgent grandfather, I would snuggle them with warm sunlight peeping through a blanket of leaves. Thus they would nestle in my lap for hours, sharing their deepest secrets, sincerest dreams, and naughtiest plans, and I would be a silent listener to all their stories. I didn’t realize when they became a part of me.

She saw the rose bush nearby, and started. It was still there! She held it with a tender glance. The same memory warmed us both.

It was their last day together. The next day one of them would go abroad. They didn’t know when again they would sit as one. They spent that whole day with me. Smiling, chatting, teasing, taking photographs, cloaking the tugs at the heart, determinedly not looking at the ticking hours. The sun sent its last rays, its gentlest, to bless them. The time had come. One of them took out a poem, dedicated to me. As the poem was read, the words washed us all away in a flood of memories and tears. Together, we lived that moment. The moment that was the finale.

Silence followed the poem. It was a solemn silence, the song of their friendship. Then, one of them stepped down the benches and plucked a rose from that bush. Instinctively, the others also got up, and joined their friend. Together, they placed the rose on the lowest bench, and closed their eyes in a silent prayer.

After that, they all started their walk, it seemed, into eternity.

Today, they had returned. Through her.

Or would they all come back in person? For presently, I did see another of the Aksa girls coming towards me. My heart whirled in joy at the thought. I looked up at the clouds. They were still sad. How I wished they would cheer up a little! I gave them an affectionate scolding for being so difficult and told them to pay attention to my little girls.

My two happy girls shook hands at the foot of the benches. After radiantly smiling their “Hi”, they immediately proceeded to their favorite seats on the benches. I chuckled at the thought that they only had to ask each other any formal question, and the seal over their souls would come off. It happened within a moment. And it seemed that Time stopped. The world stopped. Just their two voices kept speaking.

They filled in the blanks of the intervening years. They looked back on their shared dreams, and mused about their current realities. They smiled at the secrets they had held dear, and unveiled the new secrets that the years had given them. They made the complaints against life that had hitherto been unspoken. Their anxieties rained, and their minds were purged. They consoled each other. They strengthened each other.

“I feel revived now.” One of them giggled.

They got down the benches for a little walk. One of them looked up, and smiled, “It’s a beautiful day today!”

I looked up ready to nudge the clouds to pay heed to what they had just said. But lo, behold! My sulky clouds were smiling too!

Japinder Gill

My Bday!

Today was my Bday and such a beautiful day it was!
The best thing about the Bdays is that all your most cherished friends call u up! From far and near. It feels so special! :)
The whole day, thats how everyone made me feel- SPECIAL! Mama, Papa, my whole family, all my dear friends.....i just wanted to say thank u to u all!!! I was so excited about my Bday, and u all did make it memorable for me!
And Prabh Sir, Reety, Prerna and KD.....thanks for the awesome afternoon! I was truly stumped when u guys produced the cake. At that moment, i did actually feel a lump in my throat. It was such a touching gesture....i just dint know what to say! Thats the moment when i decided to write this blog post.
Thank You All!
Showering of such love and care is actually so humbling! i m feeling blessed! And i m feeling So Rich!
You all made my day!

Fool's Paradise

“Close your eyes. Focus on your rhythm. Relax.”
“Now imagine that you have just woken up, fresh from deep sleep. You are at peace, you are happy. And a voice tells you that today is your perfect day. Today, you can do all that you’ve ever wanted to do. Sans any inhibitions, sans any regulations. All your wishes will come true on this special day."
“How will you live this day of yours? Live it in your mind”
I did this exercise on my friend and could see her lips slowly curving into a smile as she went deeper and deeper into her imagination. She looked serene.
After a few minutes, she emerged from her reverie. With a beatific smile. That whole day, her eyes glowed with a joy. That smile didn’t quite leave her.
Late in the night, she messaged me to say how magical her day had been.
Imagination, I concluded, had the same impact on everyone.

Yesterday was the first of a week of holidays. I woke up feeling as free as a bird. The much dreamt of freedom was mine at last. With no deadlines to struggle for and no schedules hammering my head, I felt quite a Princess of my own time. I could pamper myself fully with all the luxuries a busy day couldn’t afford. The thought delighted me.

Yesterday had the potential. It could have been my Perfect Day.
Could have been.

Instead I went to bed last night with a numb mind, a mind that had thought too much, aimlessly, the whole day. I had thought and slept. Just that. And my mind had been rendered numb by inactivity and disuse.

I don’t know why I do that. The whole day, I was “just going to do” one of those things that I had been keeping for my holidays. They had been the reason why I had been looking forward to these holidays. They were my idea of a luxurious day. Reading novels, writing my thoughts down, going for a walk, watching a movie. The vision of doing all that was so exciting! And yet, the whole day, they remained suspended in the vacuum between Intention and Action. And went back into the Never land of Intention, leaving me despondent and disappointed.

Why did I thus betray my self? Had i done those things, I would have felt fuller. Instead I had acted to wreck my belief in my ability to do the very things i love. Was I running away from my own happiness? Why?

I don't know! Today too has passed in a trance. My mind full of my dreams. My mind dulled by inactivity.

Am I creating my own mirages? Chasing them, and yet ensuring that they remain just distant mirages?

Does Imagination have the same debilitating effect on everyone? Or is it just me?

The Noble Ideal

Ai aasman hain ishq tumse chand ne jab ye kahan
haathon ko dal kar jeb me aasman kuch has pada
mujhse se nahin , mere andhere se, roshan ho tum jiski wajaah.

While the moon says it is in love with the sky ...its only in love with itself, because the darkness of the sky gives the backdrop against which the moon appears brighter....in the triveni the last line is said by the sky to the moon.....Gulzar

While sifting the shers that I've saved on my comp, this one set me thinking. The imperfections in others reassure us, and so make them likeable to us. The real challenge lies in acknowledging the Perfection in someone, and be able to love them still. Because that would require a humbling of our own Ego.

This reminds me of another quote that I read recently...

True Friends are those who share your happiness with you. Almost everyone turns up when you are grieved.

Strokes on Sabarimala

The Sabarimala temple controversy has hogged much attention and debate of late.
It is another manifestation of the Religion v/s Rights dilemma that the modern world finds itself in.
I have read many a passionate advocacies of the ban on the young women in the Sabarimala temple.
But what I feel is that no matter what faiths, passions and beliefs you breathe in, the stratosphere has to be of Laws and Rights. Religion is personal but Justice is not. And Justice just cant walk if it is made to drag the burden of everybody's faith and beliefs along. Such an attempt is foolish and naive. While the democracies the world over easily give the masses the right to choose their government, the Constitution of each country has been designed by a group of learned and wise men. It would be ridiculous to give the people the right to make their own rules. Can you even imagine the chaos that would prevail if that were to happen? That country would become ungovernable!
Countries and societies can be governed only with discipline. Of course, the system should respect the voice of each citizen, and it should be heard, and heeded. But, the foundation has to be of Discipline.
Pampering a section of the citizens by bending over backwards to cater to their "sensitivities" or "opinions" opens a Pandora's Box......who should you listen to? And who should you not? And to what extent? And by pandering to someone's beliefs, you are probably earning the disapproval of someone else.....so the government thats blessed by one section of the citizenry, is labelled as 'partisan' by another. And that disapproval, when tempted to its extremes, can become anger against the "unjust" government. The "pampered" citizens cant understand the "anger" of the other sections.....the whole thing just divides the society into different camps, each hostile to the other.
"Belief" is one thing that is deeply personal. There can be absolutely no generalisations about it. No one can say with confidence that "So and So group of people believes in such and such things."
And so, it is impossible to frame social policies and laws on the basis of belief.
What then should be the basis?
Basic principles of human justice, of course.
When the Britishers banned Sati and legalised widow remarriage, would there have been no protests then? Wouldn't religious sentiments been hurt then? Surely, they would have been. But since the iron rod was strict, the people obeyed.
Its a similar case here. The ban is illegal (i feel this, despite the Kerala High Court having upheld the ban in 1990, in favour of the religious sentiments). So, the women should be allowed into the temple.

Religion: A Renunciation of Reason?

We are living in an increasingly intolerant world. Actions beget instant and inimical reactions. We cry "hurt" too easily and then eagerly seek to excoriate our apparent enemies. Humanity and Principles be damned! And much of it is in the name of religion!

Haven't we been giving just too much importance to religion? Why have we allowed the religious identity of a person (a circumstance that he had no control over in the first place) decide whether and which opportunities are available to him in life....or at a more basic level....his right to life itself?

Every religion is a Philosophy. A way of understanding and explaining Life and its mystiques. The founder of each religion was indeed a man of exceptional genius and great insight...and a great philosopher and writer too! Someone who could lucidly explain his theories to the masses, in a way that they would understand. And since they did, they venerated that man. These great men deserve all our earnest eulogies. For they could make philosophies that have withstood the test of centuries! It is an ENORMOUS accomplishment indeed to impress the infinite number of people who have read their books since they were written and were convinced enough by their theories and beliefs to adopt them!

Each new religion arose when its founder, being the intelligent man that he was, found cracks within the theories that the religion that he was born into expounded. His dissatisfaction with the existing explanations led him to his own theories and that was how a new line of thought streamed out of the established religion.

Thus each religion has its foundations in Critical Reasoning.
And yet ironically, we know Religion to inspire Blind Faith....a renunciation of all reason, among the multitudes.

The problem starts when we stop analyzing and start believing mechanically in all the priests and the prophets say. Such a meek submission is extolled as Faith and is made into a virtue. And any attempt at reason or questioning is snubbed, not only by the clergy but the society at large, as heretical and iconoclastic.

And this is where Religion starts becoming "an opium of the masses."
The word 'masses' itself is a derogatory reference to a cattle-like herd of people who can be shepherded in any direction, because they won't exercise their own mind and intelligence.

Intellect is the origin of each religion. And so, by corollary, intellect is Above each religion.

Each individual should be taught to respect and exercise his intellect, for indeed, we all have it. And, if one finds certain deficiencies in the philosophy he reads in his religious books, he should be free to reinterpret them and reform them in a way that seems logical to him. He should be given the freedom to question, analyze and theorize upon his religion, or indeed any religion. Equally important is his right to discuss and debate his interpretations with the society at large.

So, Religion should be open to frank and incisive Group Discussions.

People plead "hurt religious sensitivities" as a result of such discussions and debates. They stage processions, protests or worse even carnage to register their "anger". But can we allow such orchestrated conduct to intimidate the freedom of speech and discussion? Indeed this freedom is the very breath of the civilization.

Such a freedom is vital to the spirit of religion as well. Religion enlightens so long as it remains a stream of fluid ideas, indeed so long as it remains personal....YOUR religion should mean the way YOU interpret the thoughts and the theories of the basic religion. You may agree with some, disagree with others, or even propound some platitudes and philosophies of your own!

When this freedom is curbed, when all Reason and Debate is denounced, what we get is the Founder's religion....Nanak's Sikhism, The Prophet's Islam, the Vedas' Hinduism. We are told to take ALL of the philosophy without being given any alternative (not that many would seek it though). Thus religion becomes an impersonal, imposing monolith. It becomes a shackle, rather than a stream. And we become the slaves of our religious identity....our minds led by our religion, when it should have been the other way round!

And, whenever any actual or perceived attack is made on the Founder's philosophy, we are fervently told that the religion is under threat! And amazingly, people do go to all extents to 'protect' their religion.

All of us are aware of far too many instances of this phenomenon. And the more we tolerate such misplaced zealotry, the more we fan it, and the more we confound the problem.

Indeed, Religion is best left alone.....to each one, his own.

Rooted Out!!!

Today, while attending a seminar on the economy of India, I was suddenly struck with the realization oft how alienated I had become from my roots!

I've spent my entire childhood in a small township of rural Punjab. I've always felt an immense sense of loyalty and love for the Punjabi culture and language. I've taken pride in my roots. I still do.

And yet, somehow, the soil has slowly been loosening.

Its been ages since I last read a Punjabi novel. Whenever I get some liquid time, I prefer reading some English books, because, very honestly, I can relate to them better. The Punjabi literature being produced these days is of a poor quality. Why, even I could publish a book of my Punjabi poems tomorrow (all at my expense of course) if I so wanted! The books by the famous novelists are of course good, but they are mainly related with the problems and dilemmas of the punjabi Kirsaani, not things that I can relate to much. So, I really dont find much stimulating and interesting stuff in Punjabi. Its the same with Punjabi newspapers. I've been a regular reader of Punjabi Tribune since childhood. It comes to our home now too. But, as my mind matured and the foolish loyalty started losing its steam, it lost the battle to Hindustan Times and Indian Express. The level of news coverage and the edit page is just too different!

But I am not playing the blame-game. My complacency is responsible too! I used to love collecting the quotes and poems of famous Punjabi poets. In fact, during sudden fits of enthusiasm, I would visit the local library solely for this purpose! And now, all these stories are of the past!

Really, I've been getting quite out of touch with my language. Being at a college of heterogenous character has further compounded the alienation. We have people here from all over North India, and not everybody understands Punjabi. Even those who do, pretend not to. So, Hindi and English are the languages in currency. I make it a point not to forget Punjabi, but I am not too obsessed either. I automatically switch over to the other languages during converations with the non-Punjabis.

People often complement me about my theth Punjabi, and such remarks leave me wondering about the future of Punjabi. I KNOW just how casual and poor my Punjabi is! I dont have the confidence today of being able to speak for 1 minute in Punjabi without alloying Hindi or English words into my speech. I dont have the confidence of being able to write appealingly in Punjabi (and thats the reason why I dint dare, despite getting motivated after reading the poems and short stories I had written in my high school). I am not proud of the Punjabi I speak. What I speak is not the beautiful and the RICH language that it is!

But then, not many people would know the real Punjabi today. Because not many speakers are left in the "urban" and "modern" cities. I know just too many people, among my friends, in our neighbourhood, everywhere, who will speak Punjabi at home, but outside, with a stranger, they'll switch over to Hindi. Or even worse, parents who talk to each other in Punjabi, converse with their kids only in Hindi.
But dont such people betray their extremely low self-esteem? What else would you think about someone who is eager to snub their basic identity, in an effort to 'fit-in', and appear 'in-sync' and 'modern'!

Years ago, I had made a pledge. I had told myself that as an individual, I'll do as much as I can for my language. I am an ambassador of Punjabi. Like every Punjabi is. And I had decided to do my bit in making Punjabi look appealing and beautiful to an outsider.

After a long time, this promise has echoed today.

Its time I thought of my roots again!

The Humungous Fungus

There is poetry in that title! :D
A proof that you can find beauty even in a beast (or a fungus for that matter)
I came across this interesting news report while googling on the word 'Humungous'. For the record, Humungous is a hybrid of Huge and Monstrous, and therefore means extremely large and huge. Well, you would know, after reading this article!

Well, the fungus in question is Armillaria ostoyae , also known as the honey mushroom. And its claim to fame is, that it is the largest living organism of our planet! It is at least 2400 years old, and is spread over 2200 acres (the size of 1665 football fields!)
Click here for a darshan of the Monstrous Monolith (thats another new word :D)
http://www.extremescience.com/biggestlivingthing.htm

Overdosed with Profundity!

Well...thats the new word that i learnt today...lol
And this blog is beginning to look like the personal diary of a cat-obsessed philosopher. The cat's mewing just too loudly here! :P (and the philosopher in me too has been unleashed onto the world :D)
Hmmmm...guess its time to make this blog a li'l more interesting and eclectic!

My new goal: Thinking Things and Not Saying them

LOL...this is no contradiction of my earlier post...the context you see is entirely different :D
Well, i am racking my head trying to mute the voice that sounds the words i read...and is it tough? You bet! :P
Its going to be some achievement to increase my reading speed, going by the challenge the habit of subvocalization is posing!

The journey or the destination?

Today, i talked with a friend about her experiences about CAT and she specifically told me not to take it too seriously, or I will lose my cool in the paper.
And our discussion is haunting me now as i got back to my books...will it be possible for me to stay at a safe distance from burning ambition about IIMs? And will i be able to give my best to the preparation if I dont dissolve that distance? Once again, I find myself pondering over hypothetical situations, and wearying myself in profundity.
Well, trust yourself and take things as they come. Just live for the day, and get back to work...the words are waiting!

The Fountainhead

For many days now, I've been clinging to The Fountainhead like an addict :D Its going to finish tonight, and I am delaying going back to the book, coz i dont want it to finish. It is a powerful book really...after a long long time has a book stimulated me so much!
And i've marked the book black with the lines that kindled some ideas or threads. Hmmm...I'll post my analysis of the book in some days.

Just Randomly

Last year, on my 20th Bday, I had thought that that day was my first step into the most momentous decade of my life...the decade that will decide the course my life takes!
It had been a random thought.
And today, I got another thought.
Its not true. There is really no need to attach such urgency and importance to my 20s.
For, we live in our minds, and my mind will continue to grow forever. So, its not as if I've to drink in as much knowledge and experience as i can in this decade. Take it easy. And just flow along with life.

Something's missing

Its been many days now since i last posted on the blog. Since yesterday evening, I have been feeling low, with my mind mulling over many uneasy questions. Yesterday, we had the concluding session of that Personality Development Programme that I had posted about earlier. And, passive though I was to all the artificially exuberant talk that the guy was giving, one point made me sit up with a start, and I have been thoughtful ever since.

He related the story of an elephant, which had been chained to its place in its early years with a chain of average strength. At that time, it had tried many-a-times to break free, but it never could because the chain always proved to be stronger than it. So, it just accepted that fact after sometime and gave up trying. Now, that it had grown into a titanic animal of tremendous strength, it still remained meekly chained to the tree. It could break free without much effort if it wanted, but it just never tried! Because it had accepted that the chain was stronger and he was weaker.

I had heard the story before.

But it came back yesterday with new connotations. It made me ask myself, why hadn't i dared to dream BIG? Why was I feeling afraid of dreaming of IIMs? Ever since I've made my mind for CAT, I've been promising myself that I'll give my best to CAT, and will prepare for it with real passion. But not once have I dared to even think of exactly WHAT i want from CAT! Not even in my thoughts have I let the idea (leave alone the ambition!) of a 99.9 percentile surface. I've dreamed about an elite B-School and the intellectually stimulating environment that I'll get there, but not once have I dared put the banner of IIM or MICA at the entrance of that institution. It remains a nameless entity! I'd told myself that I'll automatically get what I deserve. The problem now is that I m taking this statement too literally! I'm not even aspiring!

And that is a serious matter.

At the face of it, everything is fine. I know I have it in me to get into the premier B-schools. My friends too have been boosting me up, and I know that they are speaking sincerely. My first week in Bulls Eye has been awesome, to say the least. I seem even more assured of CAT being entirely suited to my aptitudes, be it in Maths or Vocab. Yesterday, I won the 1st Prize in a Public Speaking contest organised as a part of that seminar, and people told me that my prize came as no-surprise to them (now, that was the bigger prize really! :D). Yeah, everything seems fine.

And yet....something is missing.

Passion.

Yeah, I am deeply interested in my work here at Bulls Eye. I am doing everything I am told to do, and enjoying myself too...a lot! I am Interested, but not Passionate. I have experienced enough of the latter to know the difference.

And...there lies the crux!

I am holding myself back. I am restraining myself, from dreaming BIG!
Why?

Because I am afraid of failure!

That statement would come as a surprise to even me on any other day, but in the mood that i am right now, i know its true. I am afraid that my IIM dreams will crack down just like my IIT dreams, leaving me in misery. The ghost of my 11th debacle is haunting me still!

But thats not being fair to myself!

I cant let my potential remain untapped because of the dry weather i faced in the past.

I have promised to myself today that IIMs or MICA it will be for me.

I will dream!

Yehi Hai Woh!

Today was my fourth class at Bulls Eye. And with each class, I am getting increasingly reassured of having made the right choice! There's a big smile on my face as I am writing this...I know that I am going to enjoy the CAT preparation (lets not get into the IIM dreams for now :D). Toady, immediately after coming home, the first thing I reached out for was Newspaper. And then, I have all the visions of enjoying doing my DI homework for the day. Yeah! I am feeling the same tug in my heart for CAT preparation, as I had felt for The Vine. Looks like I am gonna get just as intoxicated again! :P
The Vine has led me on to CAT, and just imagine, how absolutely wonderful it will be, if I do get for myself an elite MBA!!!
Thats how they say one good thing leads to another!
One step and then another
And the longest walk is ended!

The manzil: A job I absolutely adore!
The journey: Beautiful!

As i was humming on my way to Bulls Eye Monday morning, feeling delighted both with the cloudy, windy weather and the prospect of the class I was going for:

Suhaana safar aur ye mausam hasin
Humein Darr hai hum kho na jaayen kahin!
Ye aasmaan jhuk raha hai zameen par
Ye milan humne dekha yaheen par
Meri duniya, mere sapne
Milenge shaayad yaheen!

Amen! :P

The things we think and do not say

A friend of mine recently had this status message on yahoo messenger. These evocative words have stayed, and resounded in my mind several times since.

The things we think and do not say...

The lesson that I've learnt in my life so far is that its always better to express your thoughts. There have been thoughts that I've tried to confine in my mind, maybe out of Ego, reluctance or even laziness, and such efforts have led to uneasy eddies within my self. And when, out of sheer inability to continue in that state any longer, I've expressed myself, tremendous relief has always resulted. Beautiful things have resulted from such expressions. And so, today, I firmly believe that one should always be straightforward, honest and expressive about his thoughts.

I have salvaged three of my most precious friendships this way. In each case, there had been a misunderstanding between my friend and me, and the communication between us was silenced. However, after some time, in each case, I had started feeling the pangs for the cracked bond, and so had decided to talk to my friend about it. And, in each case, that talk helped! I realized the view point of my friend, and that helped me see my wrongs. As a result, my antagonism vanished!

Sincerity is the vital pre-requisite for any successful bond between two people. And then comes expression. Its not enough to be sincere to a person, its important to provide reassurances too! "Actions speak louder than words." Of course. Because it is the actions which prove the sincerity. Hollow words are the mark of deceit and dishonesty, and such relationships never last. However, actions alone are not sufficient either! It is the words of care and affection that make music for the other person, and assure them of being loved and cared for. A mother devotes her whole being for the care of her baby, attends to his every need, and looks after him for every bit of time. And yet, the memories that haunt that baby years later are of the soft lullabies that his mother sang to him. This is the power of words!
If you like something in someone, tell them. Your complement may make their day! And if you didn't like something they did, tell them that too, though of course ensuring no hurt feelings. Make honesty the hallmark of such communications, and you'll be amazed at how words build bridges between people!

And, the biggest reason to say out your thoughts aloud is to free yourself from their captivity. If you don't let the cloud of your thoughts burst out, a brain storm keeps raging about the tantalising "If." "What would have happened if I had said what I thought?" Its any day better to 'talk your thought' and 'walk on.' The journey will only get better.

As a Post script, I must say that this blog is looking like a boon to me! Earlier, I would get random thoughts, and they would soon get lost in the clutter of my mind and then fade away to oblivion. Through this blog, I am actually musing about these thoughts and saying them aloud! Its after ages that I am writing so prolifically @ almost 1 article per day! And this has made me more keen and observant too, made me think about my viewpoint to every issue, because there is a place where that viewpoint can be expressed.

I'll quote myself in the end:

The things we think and do not say are lost for sure to the Past
While those said may become, the bricks of memories to last.

And My Answer is No!

Yesterday, Bulls Eye had organised a lecture by a motivational "guru". It was the first such 'personality development' programme that I was attending. I went there as a sceptic and returned convinced, about my belief that is. The lecture was too dramatic, too artificial. Just like a standard motivational book!

There was a time when I had grown addicted to the self-help books- class 11th. I had joined my coaching one month late and so, to make up, we had to attend classes from 2-8! Add to that the school hours, and the home assignments, and my h-u-g-e expectations from myself, and I was overwhelmed. I just couldn't cope up with all that deluge! My performance, my grades, and with them, my self-confidence hit rock bottom. My previous report cards, my family, my friends would all assure me that I could get into the IITs, and all I could think was that they were mocking at me! Urgh!

It was during such times that I turned to self-help books. They offered me solace, and consolation. They told me that I could still do it. I would feel invigorated, like a raging bull, rubbing its hooves against the ground, kicking a lot of dust, with its head bent downwards, its nostrils heaving heavily, getting ready to make a dash towards the red cloth.

The tide however would ebb soon after. And I would return to my gloomy reality- the assignment that had to be done before I could sleep, and the sad realisation that I had spent "precious time" building castles in the air.

The pedantic advice on "Efficient utilisation of time" too did a great damage. Depressed as I was, I was looking for a magic pill that could revitalise me, bring the old me back. These books promised me that. "Don't waste your time. Dedicate each and every moment to your goal. Work when your opponents are sleeping etc. etc. etc." Receptive as my mind was to any solution, I tried to follow these idiotic "golden rules of success." And added to my misery. I started feeling guilty about "wasting time" even when I chatted with my family or friends! These unrealistic rules were bound to fail, and fail they did, adding further to my guilt and dejection!

And then, to bring myself out of the blues, I would turn to another such book.

This continued for a few months.

Then, I decided that enough was enough! I promised myself that I'll never resort to such crutches again. I should be capable of solving my own problems! It is I, and I alone, who can build myself. I alone, who have to scramble my self back to my feet if I've had a fall. It is demeaning to look elsewhere for help.

And, I feel proud at having kept my promise.

I did manage to leave 'the 11th debacle' behind. I did reasonably well in 12th. Cleared the IIT screening, and landed in UIET, with the dream of writing JEE again the next year.

Then the Magboard happened.

The turning point of my life.

Magboard gave me an outlet for my creativity (I never knew I had that much). The phrase is funny, but I took to Magboard like fish to water. I was finally doing something that I was good at, and getting appreciated for it too. These small successes helped in healing all the cracks that had been left by "the debacle". My Passion for Magboard healed me. Resurrected me back into the cheerful, happy, confident girl that I was.

Today, all this is left far behind, having acquired the sepia tinge of old memories. The healing is absolute now and I can say with full conviction that "life is beautiful." And that, I am happy!

All these experiences have changed my definition of success.

I now believe that what makes us unhappy and unsatisfied is the "competitive definition of success" [thats my term :)]. We are never satisfied with what we have, coz we can see the others having more than us, be it marks, money or appreciation. We want to be above everyone, better than all around us, to be lauded by them as "a success story." But where does it all end? Who will you call a success story? Bush? Gandhi? SRK? Ghalib? Ur local Commissioner? The IAS rank 1? And why? Coz u know their names? Coz they have the glamour of fame? Isn't your father, or your housewife mother or grandmother a success story? Well, the world may never know about them, but success is never about being in the limelight! Bush maybe called the most powerful man on this Earth, but is he indispensable? Will his death tomorrow move me one bit? No! So, if he leaves no mark on those who 'know' him, why should he be considered successful just because of his fame or position?

I think the best, and the ONLY judge of a person's success, is that person himself. You are successful, if you think you are. Because seriously, the world doesn't care about anyone. The Earth keeps spinning irrespective of whether you achieved your goal or you failed. The people around you may feel sorry for you, or celebrate with you (as the case maybe) but soon they get busy with their own lives. And, you are left with yourself. So, what matters THE most is, whether you are happy with yourself, with what you've done. If you are, then you are a success. Otherwise, well, even the so-called "world conquerors" have been known to have shot themselves in their head!

So, I now believe that "You are successful, if you are happy."

I think this is what those motivational books never taught me. That day when I vowed never to touch them again, I had told myself that I was capable of building my own philosophies and principles. And I've proved myself right!

So, all that motivational crap is not for me.

Its truly liberating to be in competition with no one! Tell yourself that you don't need to do anything to "prove yourself to the world", and you'll be amazed at how peaceful you feel! You are responsible and answerable just to your own self and its dreams.

I believe in just one power that can augur success-PASSION! I am amazed at what all I have done to achieve the tasks I was passionate about. I never needed to consciously apply any "rules of time management or success." I was following them all, without even realizing that fact!

Yes, I've found, and found by myself, the magic pill that I had been looking for.

The sheer joy of living your passion is intoxicating, and life feels like heaven!

Small Remedies

Finished the novel "Small Remedies" by Shashi Deshpande yesterday night. It was a slow paced novel, and quite realistic and modest, one of those which make me think that anyone could actually write a readable and interesting novel out of their life!

Here are a few quotations or phrases that i specially liked in the book...am writing them in the context in which they are given:

• The Tower of Babel syndrome- I heard a pediatrician use the phrase to explain the late speaking of a child. I went to the dictionary then and from there to the Bible and read the story. That it was God who created many languages in order to bring about chaos- and this to stop men from building the tower that would reach heaven!... The Lord got it all wrong. Its not different languages that bring about chaos, for you can disperse with words altogether. I think of Joe and Leela, his terrible Marathi, her English almost ono-existent. Yet communication between them was perfect. But, of course, the best communication is always wordless.

• The Ganeshas in niches, the decorated thresholds, the mango leaf torans, the Oms, the Swastikas, the charms and amulets- all to keep disaster at bay, to stave off the nemesis of a jealous god.

It doesn't help; nothing does. It's always a losing battle. Such small remedies, these, to counter the terrible disease of being human, of being mortal and vulnerable. Like concocting a poultice on the kitchen fire to fight a raging gangrene. The only remedy is to believe that tragedies, disasters and sorrows are a part of the scheme- if it can be called that. To understand that it's a package deal: you get the happiness, you've got to accept the sorrow and the pain as well. You can't get one and escape the other. But what's new about this thought? We all know the philosophy of duality- life and death, day and night, sorrow and happiness. It sounds good, it sounds right and when we speak of it, we nod our heads and agree that this is the truth of life. But when we're in the process of living, when the going is good, can we really make ourselves believe this? Will we concede, even to ourselves, that the sinister other of happiness is waiting for us round the corner? Basking in the bliss of family life, would I have let myself think: this is not forever, this happiness is ephermal, it is illusory? No, I could not. How could I when, at that moment of experience, the happiness was so real, so substantial?

• Indifference is, after all, the best armour you can wear. If i don't care, I can't be hurt.

• "God called the dry land earth and the gathering of the waters he called the sea." which shows, Tony said to me, after quoting this line, that naming things is part of the act of creation. Without words there canbe no ideas, no emotions. We need words, not only to speak, but to live out our lives as well. Wordless, we are blank. Vacant.

• I knew none of these things when my father and I were together. It was enough for me to have him home with me. We were always comfortable and easy with one another. The space between us was not crowded with demands, doubts, assertions or questions. There was enough air for us to breathe easily. Ours was a relationship built, not on information, but on trust.

Munni tried to dislodge me from this paradise by offering me the knowledge of my father's mistress. But I thrust this knowledge away from me. It had no place in our life together. Child though I was, I had the wisdom to know that you don't need to know everything about a person.

• It is from those who love us that we need to be protected, it is with them that we put down our arms and become vulnerable and defenseless.

• "It hasn't gone anywhere, your life with your father is still there, it'll never go away."

Joe's words. It was just a few days after my father's death. "Come," Joe said to me, coming home unexpectedly in the middle of the day. He took me for a drive and he drove on until we came to the sea. He stopped the car then and we stood in silence, watching the monsoon waves swell and surge towards us in an unending rhythm of thunderous sound. The rain had let up for a while, but the sky was brooding, heavy with more rain, and the sea, its thirst unappeased as yet, seemed to be reaching up for it. A silent figure was walking along the shore, looking steadliy down, as if searching intently for something, uncaring of the waves which dashed against his legs and climbed up to his knees. All three of us, inhabiting the same solitude, linked by the same silence. Joe suddenly spoke then, saying to me, "It hasn't gone anywhere, your life with your father is still there, it'll never go away."

Some kind of an understanding came to me then, an understanding that came to me from the glory of the sea and the clouds, from Joe's presence beside me, even from the silent man absorbed in his own solitude. And I, sore with the pain of my father's death, with the disruption of my entire life, had felt a kind of healing in the words.

How could I have ever longed for amnesia? Memory, capricious and unreliable though it is, ultimately carries its own truth within it. As long as there is memory, there's always the possibility of retrieval, as long as there is memory, loss is never total.

Heylo!!!!

Hi!

This is my second foray into the blogger's zone and just as impulsive and rash as the first one. i hope though that, unlike the last time, am able to stick longer to it this time.

Doing the usual first....the introduction.

I am a Biotechnology student from Panjab University, Chandigarh. These are the holidays after my semester exams, and its suddenly dawning on me that only one year of the security of the college life is left. After that, I'll be supposed to make a move from here...but to where??? This question is overawing me these days.
Well, I do have some ideas...

First and foremost, i want my career to be in a field that i m really passionate about, that comes naturally to me. Just imagine, such a job would be so much fun!!! But what job is it...i dunno!
Ummm.....it could be advertising...at least thats one word thats always sprung up in my mind whenever i've thought of alternatives for engineering. But....????

I've had this childhood dream of "discovering something someday"....and so i do know that i will do well in Biotech research as well....it does look quite creative and attractive to me....but the unimaginative and ratta-centric approach at college has really worn me out and i m not sure that i m willing to walk that dull road for a few more years, even if the manzil looks so exciting and inviting!

But then, there is this doubt that what if, after joining advertising or any such field, i start pining for Biotech...the time gap will make me redundant in this ever-dynamic field! but i can make a switch over from biotech to the creative side anytime i want....so what should i want to be after my B.E.?
Dunno!!!! [exasperated sigh!]

And then, there is the more pertinent, more immediate worry about "What should i be doing NOW?"

In just this year, or rather these few months that lie ahead, i m supposed to chart out my future path....and just what should it be?
An MBA in India or going abroad? Again, Dunno!

Well, the excitement of MBA is that CAT preparation involves all the things i love doing....learning new words, reading novels and all, GDs, interviews and all.....and if.....just imagine that! IF i get into a premier B-school, thats gonna be just WOW!!! I really want to give myself that stimulating environment! Man, just the thoughts are AWESOME! Well, i think i m gonna do MBA in Marketing. Am not too sure what it entails, but well, the thing is that its gonna give me the confidence to do my own thing. After an elite MBA degree, i'll really be in a position to experiment with myself, my aptitudes and interests, and select the best job. Even if thats of a mere copywriter or any such 'small' job, i think i'll go ahead and try it out coz at the back of my mind, i'll be having the confidence and the security of my MBA degree.
The other option is, of course, to go abroad. M not too keen on MS at the moment, and just today morning, in one of my hyper-excited moods (thats how the idea of this blog came :D), i was thinking of Vikram Seth. The famous writer and my role-model as far as writing is concerned. Well, Seth left his PhD in Economics at Stanford mid-way coz he "never had any passion for economics, not what I felt for writing poetry"...so like me! Well, i was thinking that i needn't think of only MS! There are so many interesting courses out there, that suit me, and that i can do! And well, the example that immediately sprang up in my mid was...."like English literature at Oxford". I know thats silly! But well, when i in one of my moods, i bake khyaali pulaos unabashedly!

So, thats basically the length and the width of my dilemmas. As for the depth, well, these are deep, deep, dark wells! I hope m able to emerge from them with a beaming grin!