Something's missing

Its been many days now since i last posted on the blog. Since yesterday evening, I have been feeling low, with my mind mulling over many uneasy questions. Yesterday, we had the concluding session of that Personality Development Programme that I had posted about earlier. And, passive though I was to all the artificially exuberant talk that the guy was giving, one point made me sit up with a start, and I have been thoughtful ever since.

He related the story of an elephant, which had been chained to its place in its early years with a chain of average strength. At that time, it had tried many-a-times to break free, but it never could because the chain always proved to be stronger than it. So, it just accepted that fact after sometime and gave up trying. Now, that it had grown into a titanic animal of tremendous strength, it still remained meekly chained to the tree. It could break free without much effort if it wanted, but it just never tried! Because it had accepted that the chain was stronger and he was weaker.

I had heard the story before.

But it came back yesterday with new connotations. It made me ask myself, why hadn't i dared to dream BIG? Why was I feeling afraid of dreaming of IIMs? Ever since I've made my mind for CAT, I've been promising myself that I'll give my best to CAT, and will prepare for it with real passion. But not once have I dared to even think of exactly WHAT i want from CAT! Not even in my thoughts have I let the idea (leave alone the ambition!) of a 99.9 percentile surface. I've dreamed about an elite B-School and the intellectually stimulating environment that I'll get there, but not once have I dared put the banner of IIM or MICA at the entrance of that institution. It remains a nameless entity! I'd told myself that I'll automatically get what I deserve. The problem now is that I m taking this statement too literally! I'm not even aspiring!

And that is a serious matter.

At the face of it, everything is fine. I know I have it in me to get into the premier B-schools. My friends too have been boosting me up, and I know that they are speaking sincerely. My first week in Bulls Eye has been awesome, to say the least. I seem even more assured of CAT being entirely suited to my aptitudes, be it in Maths or Vocab. Yesterday, I won the 1st Prize in a Public Speaking contest organised as a part of that seminar, and people told me that my prize came as no-surprise to them (now, that was the bigger prize really! :D). Yeah, everything seems fine.

And yet....something is missing.

Passion.

Yeah, I am deeply interested in my work here at Bulls Eye. I am doing everything I am told to do, and enjoying myself too...a lot! I am Interested, but not Passionate. I have experienced enough of the latter to know the difference.

And...there lies the crux!

I am holding myself back. I am restraining myself, from dreaming BIG!
Why?

Because I am afraid of failure!

That statement would come as a surprise to even me on any other day, but in the mood that i am right now, i know its true. I am afraid that my IIM dreams will crack down just like my IIT dreams, leaving me in misery. The ghost of my 11th debacle is haunting me still!

But thats not being fair to myself!

I cant let my potential remain untapped because of the dry weather i faced in the past.

I have promised to myself today that IIMs or MICA it will be for me.

I will dream!