Yehi Hai Woh!

Today was my fourth class at Bulls Eye. And with each class, I am getting increasingly reassured of having made the right choice! There's a big smile on my face as I am writing this...I know that I am going to enjoy the CAT preparation (lets not get into the IIM dreams for now :D). Toady, immediately after coming home, the first thing I reached out for was Newspaper. And then, I have all the visions of enjoying doing my DI homework for the day. Yeah! I am feeling the same tug in my heart for CAT preparation, as I had felt for The Vine. Looks like I am gonna get just as intoxicated again! :P
The Vine has led me on to CAT, and just imagine, how absolutely wonderful it will be, if I do get for myself an elite MBA!!!
Thats how they say one good thing leads to another!
One step and then another
And the longest walk is ended!

The manzil: A job I absolutely adore!
The journey: Beautiful!

As i was humming on my way to Bulls Eye Monday morning, feeling delighted both with the cloudy, windy weather and the prospect of the class I was going for:

Suhaana safar aur ye mausam hasin
Humein Darr hai hum kho na jaayen kahin!
Ye aasmaan jhuk raha hai zameen par
Ye milan humne dekha yaheen par
Meri duniya, mere sapne
Milenge shaayad yaheen!

Amen! :P

The things we think and do not say

A friend of mine recently had this status message on yahoo messenger. These evocative words have stayed, and resounded in my mind several times since.

The things we think and do not say...

The lesson that I've learnt in my life so far is that its always better to express your thoughts. There have been thoughts that I've tried to confine in my mind, maybe out of Ego, reluctance or even laziness, and such efforts have led to uneasy eddies within my self. And when, out of sheer inability to continue in that state any longer, I've expressed myself, tremendous relief has always resulted. Beautiful things have resulted from such expressions. And so, today, I firmly believe that one should always be straightforward, honest and expressive about his thoughts.

I have salvaged three of my most precious friendships this way. In each case, there had been a misunderstanding between my friend and me, and the communication between us was silenced. However, after some time, in each case, I had started feeling the pangs for the cracked bond, and so had decided to talk to my friend about it. And, in each case, that talk helped! I realized the view point of my friend, and that helped me see my wrongs. As a result, my antagonism vanished!

Sincerity is the vital pre-requisite for any successful bond between two people. And then comes expression. Its not enough to be sincere to a person, its important to provide reassurances too! "Actions speak louder than words." Of course. Because it is the actions which prove the sincerity. Hollow words are the mark of deceit and dishonesty, and such relationships never last. However, actions alone are not sufficient either! It is the words of care and affection that make music for the other person, and assure them of being loved and cared for. A mother devotes her whole being for the care of her baby, attends to his every need, and looks after him for every bit of time. And yet, the memories that haunt that baby years later are of the soft lullabies that his mother sang to him. This is the power of words!
If you like something in someone, tell them. Your complement may make their day! And if you didn't like something they did, tell them that too, though of course ensuring no hurt feelings. Make honesty the hallmark of such communications, and you'll be amazed at how words build bridges between people!

And, the biggest reason to say out your thoughts aloud is to free yourself from their captivity. If you don't let the cloud of your thoughts burst out, a brain storm keeps raging about the tantalising "If." "What would have happened if I had said what I thought?" Its any day better to 'talk your thought' and 'walk on.' The journey will only get better.

As a Post script, I must say that this blog is looking like a boon to me! Earlier, I would get random thoughts, and they would soon get lost in the clutter of my mind and then fade away to oblivion. Through this blog, I am actually musing about these thoughts and saying them aloud! Its after ages that I am writing so prolifically @ almost 1 article per day! And this has made me more keen and observant too, made me think about my viewpoint to every issue, because there is a place where that viewpoint can be expressed.

I'll quote myself in the end:

The things we think and do not say are lost for sure to the Past
While those said may become, the bricks of memories to last.

And My Answer is No!

Yesterday, Bulls Eye had organised a lecture by a motivational "guru". It was the first such 'personality development' programme that I was attending. I went there as a sceptic and returned convinced, about my belief that is. The lecture was too dramatic, too artificial. Just like a standard motivational book!

There was a time when I had grown addicted to the self-help books- class 11th. I had joined my coaching one month late and so, to make up, we had to attend classes from 2-8! Add to that the school hours, and the home assignments, and my h-u-g-e expectations from myself, and I was overwhelmed. I just couldn't cope up with all that deluge! My performance, my grades, and with them, my self-confidence hit rock bottom. My previous report cards, my family, my friends would all assure me that I could get into the IITs, and all I could think was that they were mocking at me! Urgh!

It was during such times that I turned to self-help books. They offered me solace, and consolation. They told me that I could still do it. I would feel invigorated, like a raging bull, rubbing its hooves against the ground, kicking a lot of dust, with its head bent downwards, its nostrils heaving heavily, getting ready to make a dash towards the red cloth.

The tide however would ebb soon after. And I would return to my gloomy reality- the assignment that had to be done before I could sleep, and the sad realisation that I had spent "precious time" building castles in the air.

The pedantic advice on "Efficient utilisation of time" too did a great damage. Depressed as I was, I was looking for a magic pill that could revitalise me, bring the old me back. These books promised me that. "Don't waste your time. Dedicate each and every moment to your goal. Work when your opponents are sleeping etc. etc. etc." Receptive as my mind was to any solution, I tried to follow these idiotic "golden rules of success." And added to my misery. I started feeling guilty about "wasting time" even when I chatted with my family or friends! These unrealistic rules were bound to fail, and fail they did, adding further to my guilt and dejection!

And then, to bring myself out of the blues, I would turn to another such book.

This continued for a few months.

Then, I decided that enough was enough! I promised myself that I'll never resort to such crutches again. I should be capable of solving my own problems! It is I, and I alone, who can build myself. I alone, who have to scramble my self back to my feet if I've had a fall. It is demeaning to look elsewhere for help.

And, I feel proud at having kept my promise.

I did manage to leave 'the 11th debacle' behind. I did reasonably well in 12th. Cleared the IIT screening, and landed in UIET, with the dream of writing JEE again the next year.

Then the Magboard happened.

The turning point of my life.

Magboard gave me an outlet for my creativity (I never knew I had that much). The phrase is funny, but I took to Magboard like fish to water. I was finally doing something that I was good at, and getting appreciated for it too. These small successes helped in healing all the cracks that had been left by "the debacle". My Passion for Magboard healed me. Resurrected me back into the cheerful, happy, confident girl that I was.

Today, all this is left far behind, having acquired the sepia tinge of old memories. The healing is absolute now and I can say with full conviction that "life is beautiful." And that, I am happy!

All these experiences have changed my definition of success.

I now believe that what makes us unhappy and unsatisfied is the "competitive definition of success" [thats my term :)]. We are never satisfied with what we have, coz we can see the others having more than us, be it marks, money or appreciation. We want to be above everyone, better than all around us, to be lauded by them as "a success story." But where does it all end? Who will you call a success story? Bush? Gandhi? SRK? Ghalib? Ur local Commissioner? The IAS rank 1? And why? Coz u know their names? Coz they have the glamour of fame? Isn't your father, or your housewife mother or grandmother a success story? Well, the world may never know about them, but success is never about being in the limelight! Bush maybe called the most powerful man on this Earth, but is he indispensable? Will his death tomorrow move me one bit? No! So, if he leaves no mark on those who 'know' him, why should he be considered successful just because of his fame or position?

I think the best, and the ONLY judge of a person's success, is that person himself. You are successful, if you think you are. Because seriously, the world doesn't care about anyone. The Earth keeps spinning irrespective of whether you achieved your goal or you failed. The people around you may feel sorry for you, or celebrate with you (as the case maybe) but soon they get busy with their own lives. And, you are left with yourself. So, what matters THE most is, whether you are happy with yourself, with what you've done. If you are, then you are a success. Otherwise, well, even the so-called "world conquerors" have been known to have shot themselves in their head!

So, I now believe that "You are successful, if you are happy."

I think this is what those motivational books never taught me. That day when I vowed never to touch them again, I had told myself that I was capable of building my own philosophies and principles. And I've proved myself right!

So, all that motivational crap is not for me.

Its truly liberating to be in competition with no one! Tell yourself that you don't need to do anything to "prove yourself to the world", and you'll be amazed at how peaceful you feel! You are responsible and answerable just to your own self and its dreams.

I believe in just one power that can augur success-PASSION! I am amazed at what all I have done to achieve the tasks I was passionate about. I never needed to consciously apply any "rules of time management or success." I was following them all, without even realizing that fact!

Yes, I've found, and found by myself, the magic pill that I had been looking for.

The sheer joy of living your passion is intoxicating, and life feels like heaven!

Small Remedies

Finished the novel "Small Remedies" by Shashi Deshpande yesterday night. It was a slow paced novel, and quite realistic and modest, one of those which make me think that anyone could actually write a readable and interesting novel out of their life!

Here are a few quotations or phrases that i specially liked in the book...am writing them in the context in which they are given:

• The Tower of Babel syndrome- I heard a pediatrician use the phrase to explain the late speaking of a child. I went to the dictionary then and from there to the Bible and read the story. That it was God who created many languages in order to bring about chaos- and this to stop men from building the tower that would reach heaven!... The Lord got it all wrong. Its not different languages that bring about chaos, for you can disperse with words altogether. I think of Joe and Leela, his terrible Marathi, her English almost ono-existent. Yet communication between them was perfect. But, of course, the best communication is always wordless.

• The Ganeshas in niches, the decorated thresholds, the mango leaf torans, the Oms, the Swastikas, the charms and amulets- all to keep disaster at bay, to stave off the nemesis of a jealous god.

It doesn't help; nothing does. It's always a losing battle. Such small remedies, these, to counter the terrible disease of being human, of being mortal and vulnerable. Like concocting a poultice on the kitchen fire to fight a raging gangrene. The only remedy is to believe that tragedies, disasters and sorrows are a part of the scheme- if it can be called that. To understand that it's a package deal: you get the happiness, you've got to accept the sorrow and the pain as well. You can't get one and escape the other. But what's new about this thought? We all know the philosophy of duality- life and death, day and night, sorrow and happiness. It sounds good, it sounds right and when we speak of it, we nod our heads and agree that this is the truth of life. But when we're in the process of living, when the going is good, can we really make ourselves believe this? Will we concede, even to ourselves, that the sinister other of happiness is waiting for us round the corner? Basking in the bliss of family life, would I have let myself think: this is not forever, this happiness is ephermal, it is illusory? No, I could not. How could I when, at that moment of experience, the happiness was so real, so substantial?

• Indifference is, after all, the best armour you can wear. If i don't care, I can't be hurt.

• "God called the dry land earth and the gathering of the waters he called the sea." which shows, Tony said to me, after quoting this line, that naming things is part of the act of creation. Without words there canbe no ideas, no emotions. We need words, not only to speak, but to live out our lives as well. Wordless, we are blank. Vacant.

• I knew none of these things when my father and I were together. It was enough for me to have him home with me. We were always comfortable and easy with one another. The space between us was not crowded with demands, doubts, assertions or questions. There was enough air for us to breathe easily. Ours was a relationship built, not on information, but on trust.

Munni tried to dislodge me from this paradise by offering me the knowledge of my father's mistress. But I thrust this knowledge away from me. It had no place in our life together. Child though I was, I had the wisdom to know that you don't need to know everything about a person.

• It is from those who love us that we need to be protected, it is with them that we put down our arms and become vulnerable and defenseless.

• "It hasn't gone anywhere, your life with your father is still there, it'll never go away."

Joe's words. It was just a few days after my father's death. "Come," Joe said to me, coming home unexpectedly in the middle of the day. He took me for a drive and he drove on until we came to the sea. He stopped the car then and we stood in silence, watching the monsoon waves swell and surge towards us in an unending rhythm of thunderous sound. The rain had let up for a while, but the sky was brooding, heavy with more rain, and the sea, its thirst unappeased as yet, seemed to be reaching up for it. A silent figure was walking along the shore, looking steadliy down, as if searching intently for something, uncaring of the waves which dashed against his legs and climbed up to his knees. All three of us, inhabiting the same solitude, linked by the same silence. Joe suddenly spoke then, saying to me, "It hasn't gone anywhere, your life with your father is still there, it'll never go away."

Some kind of an understanding came to me then, an understanding that came to me from the glory of the sea and the clouds, from Joe's presence beside me, even from the silent man absorbed in his own solitude. And I, sore with the pain of my father's death, with the disruption of my entire life, had felt a kind of healing in the words.

How could I have ever longed for amnesia? Memory, capricious and unreliable though it is, ultimately carries its own truth within it. As long as there is memory, there's always the possibility of retrieval, as long as there is memory, loss is never total.

Heylo!!!!

Hi!

This is my second foray into the blogger's zone and just as impulsive and rash as the first one. i hope though that, unlike the last time, am able to stick longer to it this time.

Doing the usual first....the introduction.

I am a Biotechnology student from Panjab University, Chandigarh. These are the holidays after my semester exams, and its suddenly dawning on me that only one year of the security of the college life is left. After that, I'll be supposed to make a move from here...but to where??? This question is overawing me these days.
Well, I do have some ideas...

First and foremost, i want my career to be in a field that i m really passionate about, that comes naturally to me. Just imagine, such a job would be so much fun!!! But what job is it...i dunno!
Ummm.....it could be advertising...at least thats one word thats always sprung up in my mind whenever i've thought of alternatives for engineering. But....????

I've had this childhood dream of "discovering something someday"....and so i do know that i will do well in Biotech research as well....it does look quite creative and attractive to me....but the unimaginative and ratta-centric approach at college has really worn me out and i m not sure that i m willing to walk that dull road for a few more years, even if the manzil looks so exciting and inviting!

But then, there is this doubt that what if, after joining advertising or any such field, i start pining for Biotech...the time gap will make me redundant in this ever-dynamic field! but i can make a switch over from biotech to the creative side anytime i want....so what should i want to be after my B.E.?
Dunno!!!! [exasperated sigh!]

And then, there is the more pertinent, more immediate worry about "What should i be doing NOW?"

In just this year, or rather these few months that lie ahead, i m supposed to chart out my future path....and just what should it be?
An MBA in India or going abroad? Again, Dunno!

Well, the excitement of MBA is that CAT preparation involves all the things i love doing....learning new words, reading novels and all, GDs, interviews and all.....and if.....just imagine that! IF i get into a premier B-school, thats gonna be just WOW!!! I really want to give myself that stimulating environment! Man, just the thoughts are AWESOME! Well, i think i m gonna do MBA in Marketing. Am not too sure what it entails, but well, the thing is that its gonna give me the confidence to do my own thing. After an elite MBA degree, i'll really be in a position to experiment with myself, my aptitudes and interests, and select the best job. Even if thats of a mere copywriter or any such 'small' job, i think i'll go ahead and try it out coz at the back of my mind, i'll be having the confidence and the security of my MBA degree.
The other option is, of course, to go abroad. M not too keen on MS at the moment, and just today morning, in one of my hyper-excited moods (thats how the idea of this blog came :D), i was thinking of Vikram Seth. The famous writer and my role-model as far as writing is concerned. Well, Seth left his PhD in Economics at Stanford mid-way coz he "never had any passion for economics, not what I felt for writing poetry"...so like me! Well, i was thinking that i needn't think of only MS! There are so many interesting courses out there, that suit me, and that i can do! And well, the example that immediately sprang up in my mid was...."like English literature at Oxford". I know thats silly! But well, when i in one of my moods, i bake khyaali pulaos unabashedly!

So, thats basically the length and the width of my dilemmas. As for the depth, well, these are deep, deep, dark wells! I hope m able to emerge from them with a beaming grin!