He looked at her. She seemed disturbed. He asked her how she was. She gave a dull reply. Her voice was wet. He softly asked her what the matter was.
She broke down, and told him how her husband was planning to sell her daughter. Her poor Anji; she was barely thirteen!
He froze. He saw the woman step out of the story and, in front of him, assume the face of Anji.
No! He would not let that happen! He would not let Anji become that woman!
He determined. He would rescue her.
He had to struggle to make the wretched maid agree to his idea. To put Anji to school would be to defy her husband- the mere notion terrorized her. In the end, however, he prevailed.
Many a times he wondered. What had driven him so forcefully that day to make that effort? He was a man of limited means. In saner moments, he would not have made such a reckless offer- Anji’s education would be a continuous expense, and what difference would it make anyway? She would still get married to a slum wastrel, and raise a brood of malnourished children.
He always reached the same conclusion. That decision had probably been made under the hangover of that story.
Four
Mohan had written a true story.
The sight of a pregnant woman bathing naked under a public tap had numbed him.
It had raised his shackles to know that life could be so ruthless! That woman could not afford even the most basic dignities! What would be the future of her child?
He had become obsessed with that thought. What would life be like for that child? Could he do something for her? Oh! How he wished he could somehow change her destiny!
He imagined that child would be a girl. He thought of all the struggles, and the miseries that lay in store for her childhood. She would grow up into exploitation, hopelessness and darkness- ultimately ending up under the same tap in the same situation as her mother.
His story was published to critical acclaim.
Five
That woman had indeed given birth to a girl. That girl had indeed spent her years bereft of light. She was now ten. Sometimes, she was called by her name. Geeta.
Six
Anji was about to enter the café when Geeta came up to her. She begged for alms.
Anji looked at her empty eyes. She was filled with pity. “Maybe I should write about that girl someday.”
She gave her a two-rupee coin and went inside.
Japinder Gill
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Unknown Intersections-2
at 5:31 AM
Labels: My stories and poems
3 comments:
Nicely written.
hi japs,i'll try and give u my honest feedback. one story per day. i hope it helps.
ok, back to this particular story.
see, we all know u can write well. you have a good expression. that is visible in each of your stories/poems. but, now you need to go beyond that.
you have to buid a compelling narrative...something which brings out some emotion in the reader..one way or the other.
you have picked up a very good theme here. your manner of construction is also very good.
overall the story is good, but, not compelling.
its like..you have everything for an excellent story..good plot,good expression,good construction...but,you just have to bind all the ingredients in a way that results in something unique.
it shuld not evoke a lukewarm response.
a story must paint a vivid picture in my mind, which is left behind, and through which i can remember ur story even 5 months after i read it.i feel a little more elaboration is needed on that front.
your story must compel the reader to say 'wow!' instead of 'good'. you can evoke the latter response effortlessly. its the "wow!" thats challenging and exhilarating.
@Mohit: You know what Mohit? You are the one regular reader my blog has (one of that rare species!*sigh*) Thanks for liking the story, though I promise to return with a better attempt :-)
@Smriti: Yes Sam....I was myself aware that this story didn't quite have that spark. I had been so fascinated by that idea, but couldn't quite convey its glory.
I am going to rewrite it soon. I hope to get better reviews then :)
PS: I have seen that the works I get the best reviews on have been the ones I have myself felt proud of writing. It seems like deep down I do know how well a particular piece has been written.
Keep reading, and commenting :)
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