The Black Hole-4

As he wrote, he realized how he had buried his Self under thick layers of Practicality, Pride and Ego. He could see that most of his actions were driven by these instincts, rather than his Self. He met people, was genial to them, and they all thought that he was a wonderful man. And thus his Ego would be satisfied. Even to his wife, he felt the need to show how respected and admired he was in office and outside. He had always made calculated, practical decisions. He had always wanted to be a Big Man. And it always pleased him to think that he had realized that ambition.

His life was not only successful, but also superficial.

He suddenly stopped writing.

What had he written?
Was his life superficial?
He was shocked!
Could success be superficial?
What was Success?

And he suddenly felt inadequate to explain this word which had been his cherished goal since childhood!

He could see that his definition of success was nothing more than a perpetual struggle to win the approval of others, to impress others, to earn their praise. That was why he constantly strove for the goodwill of the people. He alone knew his insecurities, his indifference, his opportunistic streak, and his jealousies. Even his wife had not been spared by these unholy emotions of his. Everyone called him a good person. But he knew the Bad inside him. Sometimes he would wonder if he wasn’t just faking it out. He felt himself to be a mere actor, playing out his role in the stage of world, with the desire of earning the applause of the audience.

Today, he felt like his Self had shown up.

Because his Ego had been defeated.

He had come to this town for a business meeting. He had known that this dear friend of his lived in this town, and had even taken his contact number from a common friend. For sometime, he had felt quite excited at the prospect of meeting him. After so many years!

But then, his Ego had asserted itself. He remembered all the past grievances he had had with this friend. It was in disappointment that he had turned away from his friend, who had never looked back either. This had hurt him deeply. He had been expecting his friend to redress his complaints, but when he didn’t do that, he had told himself that the friendship had not been worth his sincerity. He had moved on.

Thinking about this unhealed wound changed his mind. He would not call him. Rather, he would wait and see if his friend would call him up. He did. And they met that very day. That was the most splendid time he had had since long. He could see that his friend valued him, and cherished their friendship. This had made him feel rich.

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