The Start

"...and she dropped all the junk into the bin."

That would be the 'happy end' to a tale of overeating, of eating wrong, an optmistic ending, with the promise of better days ahead.

That is how my day started today.

It's been six weeks since I came to Bangalore.

Before coming here, I had been talking of the 'Before' and 'After' pics, implying at the positive transformation I hoped to undergo, while living on my own.

It was the first time I would be living away from the loving, and fattening, care of mama and biji, and with girls my own age. So, I would begin eating right.

Or so I thought.

I asked Jyoti to not let me eat chocolates or ice-creams or biscuits- my only problem foods.

She readily agreed.

Alas, I discovered she is fond of them herself.

:-(

Most of the times she buys a bar, I buy one too.

:-(

She stocked a collection of cookies in a transparent jar on our common table, and a temptations bar.

My own collection felt so poor by comparison. I had just grapes to dig into.

So, last Saturday, I decided on 'The Temptation Therapy' for my cravings.

I decided that rather than banning one thing or the other for myself, I'll rather let myself have everything I want to. The real fun is in knowing that you can have anything you want to, but not wanting to have it. I would cure the desire itself, I valiantly resolved.

And so, that day, when I felt like buying a chocolate, I did. In fact, along with the 'Crackle' that had pulled me to the shop, I happily bought the 'Nutties' that caught my fancy there. After all, buying it did not mean eating it. The day I learned this lesson, all my food woes would be solved. The day I learnt to keep my favorite edibles in a container and happily forget about their existence...

Hmmm....I did not touch them at all that day. The thought didn't even cross my mind, and it made me feel so good, so 'in control.'

I felt so proud putting away those chocolates in a plastic container in the almirah.

I could stay aloof from chocolates like that! I could store them till eternity!

Wow!

:-)

:-)

On Sunday, I had the ambition that I would build myself a rich stock, and would still not eat it. I would feel so rich, having all those goodies in my boxes, and so good, not eating them.

I bought a bar of 'Dairy Milk', two bars of dark chocolate, one pack of home-made chocolates, exquisitely packed, and good cookies.

On Monday Morning, I had quite a smorgasbord of eatables for myself.

And yet, the whole day I ate right. They all, except the fruits, lay untouched.

It was a wonderful feeling!

Then came yesterday.

Like, deep inside, I knew it would.

I was in my room by 6 pm.

From then on, till I slept at 1:30 am, I nibbled at one thing or the other, pretending to be totally innocent. Guilt, why should guilt be there? It was just a little bit. It was ok.

By the time I finally brushed my teeth, and formally closed the gates of my mouth, I must have eaten around one full packet (most probably, more) of biscuits, and one whole bar of Dairy Milk, and one of Crackle.

I was feeling so bad as I went to bed.

At this rate, I was going to balloon!

The 'After' pic was going to be worse than the 'before' one!

:-(

I dozed off.

I woke up at 5:45 with Sim's call. She works in the night shift, and if we talk before she sleeps, that's when we talk.

Hmmm.....so she called, and I told her how the experiment had failed.....so miserably! :((

Hmm...and talking to her, I looked out of the window. The light was just beginning...all was gray outside...steadily becoming firmer, brighter as we talked. I had the desire to walk to office today.

And, I promised her that no such experiments any more. No such excuses for yielding to temptations.

Strict discipline was what would work.

Enough of being so wishful and vacillating and dissatisfied about my weight.

That is the only aspect of myself where I wish I wasn't what I am.

Just for the want of a little will power, and firmness in mind, I've put myself through such self-conscious thoughts. The only reason why I look into a mirror is to see whether I am not looking too fat. I hate doing so, and yet I do.

It's enough!

Enough of acting like a helpless victim of temptations.

So much thinking- it's too much a price to pay.

No more of it.

What I've already done:

1. Packed all the remaining biscuits (and there were m-a-n-y) and the chocolates and thrown them in the bin. (The maid is sure going to be surprised today.)

2. Walked to the office today. It took exactly an hour.

Today, I've been feeling so fresh. It's only Thursday today, but the day has a Friday-feel to it :)

Hmmm.....nothing more. Let me not speak too much now. Not this time. Not just words again. Please. Let me do it this time.