Yesterday, as I sat in the waiting room at the dentist’s, a colleague of my mother came. There was no vacant seat. I considered getting up and offering her the seat. But that would mean closing the magazine I was engrossed in. I kept sitting. After some time, mama too stood up from her seat, so that the two ladies were at least in the same position. I cringed inwards. I knew I should have got up. I avoided her eye for the rest of the time she was there.
It was a small incident, but it left me feeling hollow. Why do I find it so hard to be the person I wish to be? Why do I always have to falter even at such simple decisions? On one hand, I berated myself thus, and at the other, I defiantly told myself that I need not follow all the diktats of “what you ought to do.” I had my reasons for acting the way I did, and it was ok. I need not conform to the set expectations of geniality or ‘good’ behavior.
Yet I couldn’t help feeling a weight on me.
At times, I feel unable to decide between the opposing tugs- the desire to simply be myself, and the idea of a conscious effort to be my imagined ideal.
Is it so with others too, or is it just me?
P.S. I searched for Goethe on the net, because in his biography, I had traced similar indecisions and conflicts. It would help to know that someone could live a worthy, highly ‘successful’ life despite them. My search led me to this article on Beethoven. Nothing could have been more reassuring!
Here's a link to a BBC audio programme on Goethe.
No comments:
Post a Comment